Wednesday, November 2, 2011

Just Another Emo Piece :)


I love that you know me. I love your facial expressions. I love the way you say my name. I love the way you want to tell me things. I love your smile. I love your laugh. I love that we have the same sense of humor. I love that we're on the same wavelength. I love the friendly flirting. I love our conversations. I love that you care, even if it's not the kind of care that I want. I love that you are not so awkward around me. I love how you smell and how it lingers on my clothes. I love your hugs or hold and how they're warm and safe. I love the way your eyes light up when you laugh. I love how you're such a geek sometimes. I love that I'm your favorite. I love that our hands fit together perfectly. I love that you're concerned about me. I love that you make me do that cliche sigh. I love how you make me burst into fits of laughter after everything you say or act, because you really are that funny to me. I love how you trust me. I love how we're best friends. I love that I can trust you. I love that you're close by. I love that I was able to know you.
<3

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

What Does Love Mean to You

I initiated this idea of asking our authors to express what we feel about love. Personally, I am an emo romantic kid, so yeah this is really my thing. So here is the production. I took the picture and design it. Hope you like it :)
This is a video about a young skater. It is part of our two days production. We used two different cameras to shoot, so the quality is a bit strange.

Music my life

Here is a video about a boy named Doungseth who is passionate about music. It is part of our two days project in Online Journalism class. I know he is kinda cute :">


Wednesday, October 19, 2011

My Favorite Place, Wat Phnom

This is our exercise working on video for web. We used a very simple digital video camera to shoot and spend one afternoon editing it :)

Cambodia Global UGRAD Experience

This is the video I made for information sharing session :) It is to inspire college students to apply for Global Undergraduate Exchange Program :D

Monday, October 17, 2011

Born in the Wrong Body


Born in the Wrong Body
- Watch more Videos at Vodpod.

Drawing 101

Well this is my homework in the class to take pictures of sequences that can show people how to do something. I don't know what I can do, so yeah rose is easy :)


Music: The Pink Panther

Saturday, October 1, 2011

Give up

I begin to fathom the meaning of life, and therefore I decided to give up on you.
It is neither my or your fault that I try to ignore you, but please stay away from me, so I can suffer less. I am trying not to think about you, so can't you just let me be?
I realize it is too tiring to keep holding on pursuing this hopeless dream
Maybe you will enjoy a greater life without me influencing you.
Soon you will find someone you could lean on when time get rough, someone you talk to on the phone till the sun comes up, and by that time comes, you will totally forget me :')
From now on, you will see a cold-hearted alter ego of me, and I'm sure soon you will get used to it.
So long my loveless romance.
Sincerely,
Old Me
 

Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Family Vs. Friends

Rarely do I go out with my family simply because I have to meet so many big mouth relative or non-relative at places we go. I realize it has been too long, and I should spend sometimes with them, so I agreed to go out after finishing some task at my friend's home. Going there, I was, again, persuaded to go to cinema with my friends and millions of "again" I told my family to leave without me. Most of the time, I felt sorry for them and yes there is no difference. I end up coming back feeling so horrible, disappointed, and just disastrous. I regret and given another dilemma, I would choose my family for sure.

Heartfelt Story of นอกสายตา

I love the story of this song. It is so touching, and I want to share with you guys.
Sing along and check the lyric out.




แอบ ยิ้ม  เมื่อ เธอ ดีใจ •  แอบ ทุกข์ เมื่อ  เธอ เสียใจ
àep yím mêua ter dee jai • àep túk mêua ter sĭa jai
 I smile secretly when you are happy, I’m secretly pained when you are depressed.

หัวเราะ และ ร้องไห้ • ไปกับ เธอ ทุกครั้ง
hŭa rór láe róng-hâi • bpai gàp ter túk kráng
(I’m) laughing and crying with you all the time

แม้ เธอ จะ ไม่ หันมา • ฉัน ยัง เฝ้ามอง ทุกวัน
máe ter jà mâi hăn maa • chăn yang fâo mong túk wan
even though you don’t see me, I see you everyday

ได้ เฝ้า ดู ห่างๆ มัน ก็ ยัง พอใจ
dâi fâo doo hàang man gôr yang por jai
Even if I only see you from a far, I am still content.

ไม่ หวัง ให้ เธอ มี ใจ • ไม่ หวง ถ้า เธอ มี ใคร
mâi wăng hâi ter mee jai • mâi hŭang tâa ter mee krai
I don’t expect you to love me, I’m not jealous if you have someone else

ไม่ หวัง ยืน ใกล้ๆ ไม่ ต้อง การร้องขอ
mâi wăng yeun glâi mâi dtông gaan róng kŏr
 I don’t expect you to be close to me, I don’t demand it, I don’t need it

ได้ ยืน อยู่ บน ผืนดิน • ผืน เดียวกับ เธอ ก็ พอ
dâi yeun yòo bon pĕun din • pĕun dieow gàp ter gôr por
 To smile on the same earth? As you, is enough for me

ฉัน ก็ มีความสุข • อยู่กับ ฝัน ของ ฉัน เท่านี้
chăn gôr mee kwaam sùk • yòo gàp făn kŏng chăn tâo née
 I am happy too to live with my dream like this

*[อยู่ นอก สายตา • ของเธอ ตั้ง ไกล
  yòo nôk-săai-dtaa • kŏng ter dtâng glai
 Out of your sight living far from you

  ฉันนั้น ก็ ทำ ได้ • แค่ มอง จาก ตรงนี้
  chăn-nán gôr tam dâi • kâe mong jàak dtrong née
  I can do that, and only keep watch over you from here

  แต่ ฉัน ยัง รอ ซักวัน • เธอ หัน มอง ผ่าน ทางนี้
  dtàe chăn yang ror sák wan • ter hăn mong pàan taang née
  but I will wait for the day,that you will pass this way and turn to see me,

  แค่ ซัก วินาที • เธอ เห็น ฉัน คน นี้ ใน สายตา
  kâe sák wí-naa-tee • ter hĕn chăn kon née nai săai dtaa        ]
 in just a few seconds, you will see me , the person in front of you?

และ แม้ ว่า นาน เพียงใด และ แม้ ว่า ไกล ดังเดิม
láe máe wâa naan piang dai láe máe wâa glai dang derm
and even though it might take long, even though we are far as always

ยัง เฝ้า รอ เธอ อยู่ • ต่อ ให้ ไกล แค่ไหน
yang fâo ror ter yòo • dtòr hâi glai kâe năi
  I will still wait for you , even though I don’t know how much longer and further it may be

ไม่เคย อยู่ ใน สายตา • ไม่เคย อยู่ ใน หัวใจ
mâi koie yòo nai săai dtaa • mâi koie yòo nai hŭa jai
 (I have) never been in your sight, never been in your heart

แต่ ขอ มี เธอ ใกล้ • อยู่ ใน ฝัน ของ ฉัน ก็ พอ
dtàe kŏr mee ter glâi • yòo nai făn kŏng chăn gôr por
 but having you close in my dream, makes me content

ไม่เคย อยู่ ใน สายตา • ไม่เคย อยู่ ใน หัวใจ
mâi koie yòo nai săai dtaa • mâi koie yòo nai hŭa jai
  (I have) never been in your sight, never been in your heart

แต่ ขอ มี เธอ ใกล้ • อยู่ ใน ฝัน ของ ฉัน ก็ พอ
dtàe kŏr mee ter glâi • yòo nai făn kŏng chăn gôr por
 but having you close in my dream , keeps me content

Dear Anonymous Stranger, I hope this message finds you well


I have spent so many night hesitating and wondering if I should write this letter to you, but tonight, I tried my best to bring all my guts writing this letter. I hope you’ll consider reading.

It’s been like almost 300 days spent growing my fonder of you. Or 7,200 hours I have spent complaining about how you look and how you should think or do and how you repel most of my ideas and how you pull my hands and hair and t-shirt or just anything that would interest you with or without my consent, and you surely know it is something I would not let any others do the same way.

Within those 25,920,000 seconds, 25 per cent was for those moments you took my breath away, like those times when you looked terribly cute in your button-down outfitters. And that instant when you were worried about your look without knowing how perfect you look. Or that lingering scent that totally disarms me the moment you grab me in your hand even though you never mean the romance.

“All this time, I loved you in silence”

For “in silence”, I believe there’s no harm. There’s no questioning or doubt. I don’t have to explain to everyone why I’m crazy over you. No one to tell me what to do about you, me or us. No one to judge my feelings. I just let myself drown in your existence, and honestly, it is where I am happiest and saddest.

There are times when loving you gives me deep pain too. I always have to put on a brave face whenever I feel like crying. You know, sometimes I feel frustrated whenever I cannot fight for you, that I cannot do anything to act upon things when you lack judgment. I can only be jealous to myself even though it kills the hell out of me all the time.

Nevertheless, I’m happy that you are still in my life, that you still linger on the walls of my vulnerable heart, that you still hold something out of the nothingness that I always feel, that you still console or apologize me when I’m mad even you know you're not wrong, that you still talk to me like good old times and bad old times, that you still chat with me when I/you feel depressed or happy, that you still tease me despite I tease you more back, that you still laugh at my silly jokes and you still show me how happy you are when we meet. I’m happy that you are still in my life. Even if it means being only friends with each other, even if it means being only the person you talk to when the night comes, when the stars turn to cover the sky, when the day comes, when the sun rays peek through the blinds that cover the walls of my imaginations of you and me, finally being together and yet that being impossible. I love you. And I hope that, despite my feelings for you and you not returning them mutually and romantically, let’s embark on a journey that will forever draw the lines and words of our lives on the papers of my thick diary and write sad and happy and melancholic poems and stories of you on the back of my notebooks when I don’t know what to do with the words overflowing to my lips, words I wanted so bad to tell you, words I wanted so bad for you to say back. I love you. Friends or what, I will always and will constantly love you. And I’m happy that you are still in my life. Again, I chose to love you this way, so please let me.
I love you into infinity and beyond.




Monday, September 26, 2011

Boring Holidays

It is Pchum Ben, and I am supposed to travel around with family going to pagoda. As a matter of fact, it has been years that I do not go to pagoda or just go once in a year. It is not that I have become an atheist, yet I just have tons of work to finish and somehow I do not feel comfortable going to pagoda. Whenever I am there, people just look at me as if I were alien or something. That scenario is not something I would want to. I will be going to pagoda in town tomorrow anyway :) Hope it will be a rewarding day and hope all of you have a great long holiday before starting class slash work again.

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Bad Romance

Suddenly I have got a random thought and questions running all over my vain. Just wanna share with you all a little something about emo romance stuff. So have you ever been in love? Painful isn’t it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens up your chest and then your heart, and it means that someone can get inside you and mess up everything. You build up all these defenses so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid people, wanders into your stupid life. You give him a piece of you even he didn’t ask for it. He did something dumb one day, like kiss you, smile at you or talk to you like he never talk to anyone else, and then your life isn’t your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like “maybe we should be just friends or you are not my type” turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts so bad. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It is a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. 





Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Greeting

Some of my friends keep asking me why I have not updated anything on the blog for so long. I don’t know why but I don’t know where my inspiration in writing has been. Life is busy, and I cannot find proper time to sit and think of something to complain :P haha just kidding!!!
Okay so this is what I did during the past week. It is all about going to provinces.
This week I have been to two provinces. I have got more things I can talk about for the first province. As a staff of UNDP, I was assigned to go to Kompong Speu province to facilitate a participant of UNDP Writing Competition in gathering stories and also to observe the work plan of UNDP project in Chambok. I am not a big fan of going to province honestly. I firstly agreed because I though Kompong Speu is the nearest province amongst all the choices I have. Nothing turned out as I expected. The first day I had to bike and walk to climb the mountain, and my body, especially my butt, was so painful. At night, we slept in villager’s house. I could not sleep the whole night just because of the sound of rain falling and the creepy feeling I got (Attention: There is no electricity in the village). I keep seeing people sitting next to my leg, and I meant it. In the morning, we woke up at 5 something in the morning to follow the villager to the forest where they go to pick up bamboo. FML!! I did not know we had to go in that freaking forest. I was so scared imagining what I possibly see in the forest, and yes the reality was much more frightening. The road was slippery as it was raining. The tall grass, thick forest, insect, reptile, parasite and stuff kept touching me, and I swear I just want to pass out. Suddenly, I remember pajamas in my bag with long pants, so I took it out and wear on my short. To feel more comfortable, I put on the rain coat for the sake that I would be less exposed to all those disgusting stuff. The picture is funny but yeah you can get some idea after all.

Seeing from all the complaints, you can easily tell that I’m not an adventurous person. Experience is all great but if I have choices, NO MORE.
The next province I went to was Kompot, which is part of my work for State Alumni. Well nothing much to talk about. Things went smoothly despite the rain.
So yeah that’s all I want to update!! Peace……

Treat people the way you want to be treated

This sentence somehow rarely works out for me. Every time I try to be good to people, bad interpretation will always turn out. No matter how nice I try to be, some people still ignore me and take me for granted. I feel so retarded, deceived, and rather disappointed.
I’m so done with you. All this time I was wasting, hoping you would come around. I’ve been giving out chances every time, and all you do is let me down. Tsk tsk…….







Thursday, August 25, 2011

Little Something that Change Me

This is the mini media memoir I did in the camp with topic "Media that change you." Enjoy reading :)

“Personality,” a simple but inspiring word, has changed my life. I remember I first heard that word in one American reality show “America’s Next Top Model” when I was in my freshman year. The show has taught me how valuable a person’s personality is.

Nevertheless, personality is not something you would find in Cambodian context due to the pressure from old people and culture which has forced all the young people being cookie-cutters, which excludes the unique from the society. I, myself, was a victim of bullying due to my so-called “sissy” personality. Therefore, I was determined that one day I have to go to America where I can be myself.

From that time, I was trying to figure out all the possible scholarships available for Cambodian people, and finally I managed to find one which was Global Undergraduate Exchange Program. In the program, three criteria would be evaluated including social engagement, professional experience and leadership. I was not that type of person who would go to volunteer and help random poor people. However, because of the requirement, I had to force myself to volunteer for different NGOs in Cambodia. This had changed my life. Going to the field, teaching young children and doing fund raising for poor people, I can feel that albeit being young, I can be a hero for some people, and seeing how thankful they were, I was so proud that I told myself even if I could not go to America, community service would always be in my agenda.

Finally, I was really selected by the US Embassy to go to America, which is my dream for so long, and, I was able to embrace my personality when I was there. However, my life as a volunteer did not end there. After coming back, I have guts to lead some community service projects myself. What is most rewarding about my work is that once people see how committed I am to the society, they start to accept me for who I am more, and the bullying just faded away itself. I am contented to say that my hard work did pay off.




A little painful thing in my heart

First kiss? What does it mean to you?
The decision to kiss for the first time is the most crucial in life. The person who can make you let loose of yourself must be extremely special.
I have always thought that first kiss needs to be given by the one I know and love most in my life. However, I decided to give to you whom I have known only for just two weeks.
Do I regret? 100% No! I am satisfied with all the physically feeling and motion you gave me, and I am proud of myself that only this time I express how I really feel about a person.
The feeling of being hugged and kissed by you is just here in my memory forever. It is like a tattoo that stick on my lips for my entire life.
Now everything about you is only in memory and whenever I think of it many feeling combines: love, lonely, excited, sorrow and miss. I miss playing, chatting, teasing you in class, looking at you when you are sad or sick, making myself silly so that you can laugh and showing how smart I am to make you interested in me.
If you've already experienced your very first kiss, you know that there is nothing like it - no matter if the experience was positive, negative or something in between. So remember no matter how far we are or how long we cannot meet, you still have a space here in my heart.
I am so happy to see the meaning of what you have done to me although I am not sure if that really what you mean when you did that.







Wednesday, August 24, 2011

First Time Things :)

Okay so basically I am going to list top 3 things which I am able to do for the first time of my life when I am in Chiang Mai.
1. I have never known how debate works. All I know is that debating is arguing to win. You can scream loud with some good points then you can win. However, from the camp, I have an opportunity to really understand how all those things work and have load of chance to debate. From that, I have boosted my confident, and my speech has improved significantly. Specially, the result I received was fruitful since my group won the championship.
2. It was the first time that I dance in front of public that hard. I became so open and willing to dance with everyone. I used to be that person who cannot be touched physically. However, in the dance, I was so comfortable that I could dance a bit wilder with everyone.
3. The last but most exciting thing I did was kissing @_@ I know for some of you, it might sound so promiscuous. However, I just feel like I am adult now, and I should somehow experience this thing at some point. It was an awkward moment, and I did not do anything. So yeah I was so passive. Experience is what counted and I am not regret of doing it!
The image of that moment keeps popping up in my head till now. Nothing is strange since first time thing will be the most memorable thing ever.
You all might think I change, but I feel like life is somehow boring if I cannot do all those things most adult can do.

Friday, August 5, 2011

One Thing I want to Complain

So I have been so freaking irritated by the whole idea of how those so-called “cool” guys being an extreme homophobia and always assuming promiscuity of each and every “queer” they meet.
Perhaps, those who know me will know why I disgust talking to boys. I just hate how judgmental they are toward a “sissy” people like me. Some days I will have to do something with those guys probably using media.
First of all, I really hate talking to guys I do not know. Whenever I talk to them first, they would think I am interested in them blah blah blah. Yet, when I do not talk to them, they would say “Ter Ja Rek Srey Sa Art” which literally mean “Act like a beautiful girl.” Come on…. Can you guys just cut it off? Don’t you know how hard it is to always try to please all of your opinions toward me every single time?
Nevertheless, I would not give too much sh*t toward the first type. What pisses me off the most is the second type. Those are guys either I just know or I have known for quite sometimes. It is very annoying when I start to get close to a guy and everyone around just keep saying we are in love. In this life, probably I won’t make even a single good boy friend (and I mean male friend FYI). Every time we get closer, often time, we are jeered of being in “relationship.” Finally, we would end up talking less or even stop talking to each other to avoid misassumption of those people.
Last but most importantly, it is so painful when someone I am so close with feel like I am trying to court him. Oh god puh lez…. I am so tired. Guys I am so tired of you all. I’m nice to everyone I want to be friend with, and please stop feeling I am trying to make you special.
Okay to all you "awesome" guys out there, here is something I want to shout out to you.
1. “Don’t judge book by its cover.” It is as simple as that, so use your brain. Your stereotype is annoying and ruining people’s joy of life. Give others a break and stop thinking every gay out there is so desperate to get you.
2. When your good “gay” friends are nice to you, it does not mean they are falling for you. They just need a good friend, a damn friend, so stop being so ego about yourself.
3. Go f*ck yourself if you still feel too proud of yourself, and the picture below is for you ;)
"PRIDE" can you understand that word? Everyone has his or her own pride, and please don't feel like you are higher than others.
Hope you learn something from that. Phew………………..

Sunday, July 31, 2011

Arguement

Today I had an argument with a friend whom I have known for more than five years. Sometimes, you just do not know who to blame since when you argue, you just feel like you are the right person.
I know people could change over time. When I argue with him, I try to question myself if it was just because I am just too dramatic or something. He has been using harsh words to me for so long, yet for some reasons, now I figure out that those words are insulting, and I cannot accept that anymore. I personally think success changes people dramatically. Perhaps, I am just thinking alone but I can sense his egoism and know-it-all attitude after the successes he got.
Whatever reasons we tried to point, they seem did not work out, so this 5 years of knowing each others is just a piece of dirt.
To me, I am so tired of arguing cos I find it too childish to keep talking to each other and claiming you are right and others are wrong so yeah what I choose to do is to block him everywhere and hopefully we can have space to figure out what went wrong and maybe this friendship can start again... or maybe NOT!





Friendship Quotes



Friendship Quotes

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Thank to Smartphones

Today when I was reading the Cambodia Daily, I was freaking out to see an article reporting on the corruption and students cheating occurring during the high school national exam. They somehow included a good short interview with a student, and it is interesting how he was talking about the use of his mobile to help him in the exam. He just said “One of my friends was able to get answer from Internet.” Nevertheless, I can imagine how the process is like.

Perhaps, people would not be so surprised about the whole corruption and cheating issues. However, I was super abashed to see how smart students in this generation have become. They surely do know the best use of their multifunctional mobile phone, iPhone specifically, and current advanced fast and cheap accessible internet.

Probably, one would know the process of giving answer sheets in the past. Before, students who were not so committed into studying often asked for salvation from their relatives and friends during exam. Their relatives or friends often hired an expert in the right field or buy the answer from others to throw it into the exam venue or use mobile to call out the answer if it is just a literature or writing exam.

In this advanced world, we all have known that mobile phone is no longer a talking machine. Current mobile phones do almost as many functions as a laptop can, and Cambodian young people know the best use of it.
So here is how the process has slightly changed. Same things happen with how their relatives and friends need to stay with an expert once the exam questions release. The only difference is that once those experts answer, they simply need to scan it and send the answer sheet via email to the exam takers. Inside the room, students just open their mobile phone, and every answer to the questions is there.

A small mobile phone is enough to be best in cheating. I wonder how the Ministry of Education would deal with this issue. Most likely, they may need a scanning machine outside the school to check for electronic equipment before entering to do exam.
Let’s see together how exam in the next generation would turn out to be.

Sunday, July 24, 2011

Keep holding on

Just so you know that you are not alone! I am here by yourself whenever you feel bad :)Just keep holding on and you will make it through.

Thursday, July 14, 2011

没用的感觉

Eh! I think I have been watching too much romantic movies lately.
The result is so serious @_@ I kinda fall into the concept of fantasy miracle things.
I should get myself back and ignore any romantic evocation possibility!
New determination: reduce watching romantic movies and try to get away from that person who make me feel that short of emotion! It is hard but I will follow my brain not heart :D Fighting... peace world =)

GOOD QUOTE OF THE DAY "Never make someone your everything cos when they are gone you will have nothing"



Life Quotes

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Backup Plan


Recently, I have just realized one important life matter. I suddenly do feel that I will never ever be a very victorious person if I keep working on Public Relations in my entire life. After having gone through some serious PR work, my natural characteristics can be a huge disadvantage in this field. My biggest concern is speech problem. Whenever I try to use Khmer academic words, I begin to feel awkward and forget what I want to say. Something about the impression people make when I speak do not make me feel comfortable. Also, I do not have people skills, and I, often time, find it very hard to talk to people. With these problems, no matter how good I am, I won’t be able to make it to the top level.

This somehow made me feel hopeless of my life. All of a sudden, I just recall my naive dream when I was a teenager. In high school, I really wanted to be an ambassador or at least working in embassy. This dream ended when I realize there was no International Relations government scholarship course provided.

So here is my backup plan. Hopefully, I will be able to pursue my Master Degree in International Relations. Some people cannot distinguish between PR and IR. The two jobs are both about building relations between one institution to others. Nevertheless, what make me feel confident about working in IR is that I will need to deal with more paper work and less people. Besides, foreign languages do matter more than PR, and so I do not have to feel awkward whenever I start talking again. Nothing is happier than staying in my comfort zone while doing what I like.

So yeah finger crossed for my decision. From now on, I just have to work on my PR work and build strong background with my languages skills. Fighting Mesa!!! 你一定会的!โชคดี


All of us have someone who is hidden in the bottom of the heart. When we think of that one, we will feel like umm.. always feel a little pain inside. But we still want to keep that person. Even though I don’t know where that someone is today, what is that one doing, but he is the one who makes me know this.. สิ่งเล็กๆ ที่เรียกว่า...รัก <3


Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

Just need someplace to shout out :)

Never in my life have I thought of being in a relationship with anyone. Perhaps, for those who know me would exactly know why I do not deserve the relationship a normal person would have. I no longer feel bad about myself for not being able to experience what we call “Romance.”

I do not want to get caught up in romantic relationship since I do not believe that the kind of romance I wish to have does exist. Nevertheless, even if it does exist, I am still not gutsy enough to maintain it. In other words, either that kind of love exists or not, I won’t have a good result. During my 21 years of living, I have been approached by some people, a few of whom I really did like. However, I was destined to be single because of who I am and the pressure I have from family and society. That’s why I always tell myself never want to try that so-called romance, and yes I have been able to control it.

Now I feel like I somehow hate myself. I hate that I cannot control my emotion. I hate that I finally like a person I should not.

I gradually like that person. I like listening to that person’s story. Whenever I am with that one, I change myself into a whole complete new different person. I lost my cheerful and bubbly personality. Probably, I was too self-cautious on how I might appear in front of that one. I appear to be too emotional like a drama queen and like to think a lot and alone when I’m with or without that person.

So now I determine to follow one resolution: “Just be me. No reason to fake be-yotch! That person wants to see the funny side of you, not the dramatic side!“ and that person often said “Just be yourself and happy for whatever you do” and yeah now I’m trying to learn from you :P That’s the best I can do to cherish our time together J

I know that person treat me like best friend but I can’t help thinking that that person may like me too. Anyway, I love how we both interact now. I love how I am trusted to share all the happy and sad moment with that person. At least I know that person trusts me a lot and tell me so many things that person doesn’t share many people. I am happy to stay at that person’s back comforting whenever I am needed. I don’t wish to be the special person. If that person knows how I feel, that one will just freak out and what result can I get? I have tried so hard to come to this point, and we will just become “stranger again.” Cannot be even just friends L

I know it can be boring but I just want somewhere to express my feeling; otherwise, I would just explode :D

Alright,

Peace world (^,^)v

Monday, June 6, 2011

Tomorrow English test :)

It is kinda weird but tomorrow I am going to do that odd English Proficiency test for my internship @_@ It somehow freaks me out! I remember sending them my TOEFL score :-| What can be more legit than TOEFL to the US? Well, I have to find out tomorrow.

Anyway, I really need that internship. For one thing, I would hate myself so bad if I fail since I have both experience and qualification. Therefore, if I fail, it means there is something wrong with my personality, which I have never trusted on. It will also lower my self-esteem to another degree. Plus, if I fail, I would have to work my ass off to find another place simply because I cannot get my degree without internship. It is all part of school's requirement.
I had better wish tomorrow is my good day :) so yeah just smile in the morning and good night world :D

I'm back :)

Long time no see folks! Some people have asked me why I had been so quiet in blogging since I came back from USA?
Well, actually I have been so busy with the whole hanging out, clubbing, partying and travelling thing that I have no mood to write anymore.
Just kidding! Lol!! Honestly speaking, I have been so depressed not being able to update the blog. However, I'm using Metfone to use the Internet. That freaking company is annoying. I have no idea why on earth it has to block blogspot.
So many things have happened when I return: the birth, death, drama, happiness, tear and many other things I wish I had shared. Let's them go and now I can start updating what I am doing with my life.
It has come to my attention that it feels so hard not having this blog since to me, this is the best place to be when I feel lonely and want to find somewhere to throw my emotion to. That explains why I named it "Mesa's Diary"
Alright enough for the re-introduction. Will talk to you later :)

Saturday, April 2, 2011

Fear of Home


April had always been the best month for me. Back at the day, I would just chilling out waiting for the break, Cambodian New Year and also my birthday. However, for some reasons, so many things keep jumbling in my head making me in the middle of happy-worried emotion about this April. Everything has changed just because of where I am now.
The good thing is that I'm going back home real soon.... YAY!!!! The place I was born and raised, the place where I met many great people and especially the place that shapes me as I am today.
I cannot tell how many times I have been crying and complaining hoping this time to come as fast as an eye blinking. Nevertheless, when it comes, I feel so reluctant. Guess the words "The grass is always greener on the other side" is true. People never appreciate with what they have until they lose, and I am one of them too.
So what makes me so cringe just to go back to my country? Well to be honest, I was scared whenever I recall the memory of how the way my society treated me back when I was in Cambodia. However, it is not the society's problem but my very own problem. Those fear emerged as I started to compare the way I live between this two countries, and my other fear can be the result of "Reverse Culture Shock," because America has changed me so much that I'm afraid I won't be ready for my old society.
So I am writing this blog in the hope of giving especially to my friends back home of how your friend here have changed. Going back to Cambodia would be my weakest emotional moment, so I hope my close folks can take sometimes reading this, so that they can understand me more. So I am trying to figure out what I am afraid of and how I have changed through my own observation.
The first and the most important thing I am super fearful of my society is the over judgmentalism of Cambodian people. The nightmare of people making fun of my gesture, laughing at my so-called girly voice and even worst called me "sissy" keeps popping out of my mind whenever I think about home. The way of their gossiping and contemning just keep haunting me wherever I go. Because of that, I became a shy and reserved person simply because I do not know how many people hate me just because of the way I am. A little bias to the US but this is the only place I can be myself and embrace my personality. Nothing is happier when you can be yourself and not acting to escape from being bullied. It has been almost a year that I have never been bullied, so I really have no idea how I would handle it when I go back.
Well enough of the society! I have to accept it anyway. Guess I need to work on receiving those hated speech once again ;) Not a big deal!

To all my BEST friends at home! I cannot tell how awesome I feel to get to meet each and everyone of you again. Nevertheless, guess what? You guys are on my top list of giving me fear. Again! Not your problem, but because I somehow change. Going back to school, I might keep mentioning America every single day. Please bare with me because I am just too excited to share and always assume that you want to know too forgetting to control myself.
One thing I am begging. Please do not call me "fat" or "pig" yet. I have no idea where I got that sensitivity from, but I have been treated as a small size for quite a long time now, so I am not sure if I can handle that fact yet. I don't mind random people call me like that because I wouldn't give them a shit (or many). However, you all are my best friends, so I hope you won't act the way random people would. You can call me like that later since I know I am really fat, and it is bad to forbid you to say the truth.
In here, I was taught to be confident and independent in what I am doing simply because I have to do so many things by myself. You might interpret that confidence of mine into arrogant. I hope one day you won't come up with words "He says as if he knows all." I never ever want to act like that, and it would be so painful if I happen to hear such things. Sometimes, I may tell you what to do based on my experience in America. Please forgive me if anything I say sound bossy to you. Do not hate me. I would really happy to hear from a friend criticizing that I am acting too bossy rather than you secretly hate me.
There are times when I need my privacy and individuality. I just want to be alone sometimes doing my things, so do not force me to do what I don't want.
Whenever I chat with my friends in DMC about my study when I go back, they keep saying not to worry since I am smart. Just so you know that I might not be as smart as I used to be. I just wish you guys can take sometimes teaching me and please don't make me feel like I am useless.
On the other hand, I might not put that much effort into studying anymore. I just hope I won't be told that I am spoiled because I don't study hard anymore. Nothing is wrong; it is just because I want to give myself sometimes to relax. I want to do so many things that I still have time to do and besides just studying such as taking photos and learning music. Please do not say that I don't care about my future anymore. I just don't want to be regret about something I should have done when I am still young, and that's what I also learn from American kids.
Another important thing is that I really want to hug you all when I see you. I hope you won't say I am promiscuous or perverted. I just feel it is a great way to see my beloved people.
Last and very least little thing I am a little concerned! I hope my close friends there like the gift I bought for them. I'm so scared that they might say it is worthless.

Alright! This journey is so long, and I am on my way back home in a few weeks! I hope all my beloved people can understand me and accept me for who I am.

Your old friend, Mesa! :)

Friday, March 11, 2011

Amor ASB and America! Thank for Everything!


As you can see in my title, I will share you all the best trip that really impacts my life and my personality, and by saying "best" I really mean it is the best I have ever had so far.
The lifetime trip I was talking about is called Alternative Spring Break. After gone through the application, I was selected to join 43 other American students to a one full week environmental community service trip. I have never expected anything from this trip beside doing community service like any services I have done. However, many unexpected amazing things happened to me. This trip gave me much more than I can ask for. This trip marked my first time for many things.
No offense but honestly speaking, this is the time when I most appreciate the opportunity that I come to America. This is the first time I know how it actually feels to be an American adolescence (simply because I have always hanged out with international students since I came to USA.) This is the first time I really know how people really love, care and appreciate for who I really am and not judging me from my outside look. This trip has changed my personality from being a shy and reserved person into a bubbly and outgoing people. This trip has provided me many close American friends that I would never ever dream I will ever be able to make. This trip gives me the confident and support to express myself more, so that my personality can shine through those stereotype and hatespeech.
Here are the detail of what I have done for the whole week.
On Satursday evening, I had done my packing, but my mind was mixed up. I was a bit regret since my requirement to do community service is just 10 hours. I felt very uncomfortable going with American students since I have never talked to any Americans about personal things more than 5 minutes before. I was so freaking out the first time I saw them and I knew I need to spend a week with them. I almost decided not to go, but I felt so bad about the money 200$ I have paid for the community service trip. Now I know I did the right decision and this trip worth way more than that money.
Nothing significant was going on on Sunday. I was on the bus feeling so uncomfortable having to sit alone on the bus. The ride took 13 hours to reach Hendersonville, North Carolina. We arrived in Tekao Camp where we need to sleep during this week. I share a room with four other American guys, which made me feel even worse. But then I started to move to my comfort zone by visiting the girls' room. Nevertheless, by sharing a room with that many American guys, I got to know how they interact, which was a bit surprising to me at first. They used so many so-called bad words. Sometimes I was laughing so hard by the way they talk, and I started to feel jealous. I am from a conservative country, so I never use all those words to talk to people, but after I got used to it, I want to use them too :"> What is really funny about them (a bit gross) is that farting is so normal to them. They farted to each other. I would just commit suicide if I am caught farting back in Cambodia. It was fun and new to listen to those creepy things once in a while.
Okay, let's stop talking about dirty things by now. The place I stayed is so beautiful, so we started to walk around the mountain along the trail.
When we came back we played a card game called " Spoon" and a group game called " evolution." Well, I had to write down some instruction of those fun games. Mostly Cambodian people use card just for gambling. It is great to use a positive fun side of card to play somethings fun beside betting for money. Evolution is just a simple rock, paper, scissors game, but Kyle, the lovely and funny team leader, made it fun by using his cute gesture. The evolutions are egg, chicken, dinosaur, human, elephant and shark. (Well yeah not a quite legit evolution, but it was fun after all seeing those people evolve.)
In the evening, we have a little orientation of what we are going to do for the service. At the end of the day, I played a little vocabulary game, and I knew I had disadvantages since you know why. (In case you don't know why, they are AMERICANS.)
The first day of the trip came. Monday was not the most enjoyable day. People were divided into group, and I was selected to join the group repairing the trail on the mountain in the camp so that people can bike or hike on the mountain and explore the beauty of nature. Not so fun, but rewarding indeed. We have to walk approximately a mile to build the trail. It was my first time professionally holding a shovel. During lunch time, we walked back another mile and then go back another miles to the same place. (Wouldn't it be smarter just to carry the lunch box with us? Duh!!) So literally speaking, I walked 4 miles that day holding a heavy shovel and made the trail. However, what has inspired me the most was when I heard the guy who built this trail alone thanked us and told us he had to spent months building the amount of trail we had just done for 8 hours. It was that thankfulness that gave me power to continue on doing good things. In the evening, the group decided to set up camp fire. It was my first time technically being in a camp fire, and Diana, my group's advisor, had taught me how to make marsh mallow, chocolate and graham cracker out of that fire. I really enjoyed those food, and we had great time talking. I looked at the sky, and I saw thousands of little twinkle little stars. Usually, it is my habit to wish whenever I see star. I always believe one star would grant me one wish. With that many stars, I have no idea what to wish for, so I just felt at peace.
Here it comes the Tuesday's service. On the bus, we played a little game called "Speed Dating," so that we can get to know everyone faster. I got to know more cool awesome people and told them about myself and my country. My group was assigned to work in a natural center. I cleaned the fall leaves on the ground and made a good habitat for foxes' cage (and FYI, foxes were not in the cage.) It was awesome working and chatting with more American people. It was a bit creepy seeing some worms and spiders on the land and listening to all those wolves howling. I just pretended that I was watching Twilight to comfort myself to those scary things (Possibly just imagine that I am Bella :">).
After another hardworking and rewarding day, we headed back to the camp. The first game we played was "Ride the Pony." It was a very fun dancing game, which I felt a bit awkward at first but danced so hard at last. What really marked my Tuesday was reflection. In that talk, we were asked to confess the hurtful insight story of ourselves that we never share to random people. It was so great because I had always seen those people with their cheerfulness, and it tied our friendship stronger when we see each other's true and weak side. We all shared our past painful experience, and I was so thankful for that opportunity because I was able to tell people the secret of my feeling of how painful I felt when I had been bullied since I was young. It made me feel so delightful when I got encouragement from them. We all ended up crying so hard, and promised that our mouth would be sealed.
The next day was a greater day since we were not divided into group anymore. We all headed to Millspring Agricultural Development Center, Polk Soil and Water Conservation District. It was again my first time officially doing the painting. I painted the door green so that the center can physically look more environmental.
During the break, we played a little not-so-fun game called "Penguin finds Mama." (No offense to those who initiate the game, but it was a bit lame). In the evening, we went to a lecture on tree conservation. I could barely open my eyes due to tiredness and lack of sleep. I thought I was going to pass out during the reflection. Yet, it turned out to be that we would be doing a little debating on environmental issue, so I was more awake. Then we did a little name cheer so that we could show other group how awesome we were. The last fun thing of the day, we did a lot of crazy group posts like sexy beast, prompt pose, and animal post.
I was completely awake by then that I would be down for any games. We played "Sign," "Picture Telephone" and "Celebrity." Again those game were awesome, and I need to write down the instruction. (Little known fact: My sign was Spirit fingers and Kyle, the cute leader, couldn't do my sign well. Only those who know would know what I mean LOL)
Thursday was the last day of our service. We all was shocked to see how fast the days went. We all again went to Millspring. The director of Millspring did really appreciate our help that we all have our name printed at the center to thank for what we have done.
Our last evening, we did reflection with all participants. It was a very emotional and unforgettable evening. We did an amazing activities called secret evaluation where we all had to close our eyes, and each time five participants were selected. Team leaders read the statement, and the five participants had to tab someone's shoulder when they think the statement was true to that person. This activities have provided me confident and happiness since I got tapped so many times. I never knew I am "inspiring", "great personality" and "funny." I was tapped the most when the leader read a statement saying "Tap someone who you hope should speak out more." From that time on, I knew I had to get rid of my shyness and speak out more so that I can make my personality shines and people would know who I really am. Now I know that many people really care and love me for who I am. Every physical feeling they gave me made me feel so warm and touched. After that we all cried and hugged each other. Maybe I needed to do more than others since I am the only one who will never see them again. (Little interesting fact: I was hugged by a guy I really like for more than 20 seconds :"> I was so blash)

Finally, we partied and danced. It was funny, but I told my friends I felt like I was an American too. It was a great indescribable kind of feeling. Indeed, I know I can fit to another society.
On our free day, Friday, we headed to South Carolina to visit a zoo. After that we walked to a town called Greenville. I was so amazed by the European type of design of the little town.

Before taking a bus going back to Illinois, we played "Ride the Pony"again in the public, and it was insane since many people looked at us and took pictures of us. I know it always feels so good to be the center of attention.

To recap, this trip is the best experience of my life. I have understood a lot about myself, and the only thing I am regret is that I wish I met those people earlier, not that until I almost go home. Now I have a very good reason to miss the US of America :)

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

Random Stories


I have a few random stories to update.
The first story is about the new Facebook profile photo of mine which I have received a lot of "Like." Some people also left some mean comment saying I am fake. I feel a bit offended honestly. This picture was taken when I took the violin midterm test at my university, and all students are required to dress up. I am not a professional player. I actually just know a few song. Still, I need to dress up for the sake of musician.

The second story is about today's presentation. I did a presentation on Cambodia using only 6 minutes. It was challenging, but overall I think I did a good job. If you want to see the slide presentation, you might see below


The final story is about a lame business making in front of my school building. I was walking out of School of Communication, and a few guys were selling an egg for one dollar. If we buy it, we can throw it to one of them. That guy said "This person hates School of Communication students! Buy an egg and throw at him." Then I was like "I don't give a shit." :P I am not that dump to waste money.

Thursday, February 17, 2011

Where you often seek inspiration?

There are times when you feel like you are tired to live in this world. Have you ever felt like the world is just so unfair? You might be born gay, fat, stupid and stuffs. You might always compare yourself to rich, beautiful and smart people, and feel like people like you should not exist in this world?
If you do, you are on my boat. :D
You need to find things that inspire you to overcome this thing, and I have found mine.
My inspiration is disabled people. I have just found that I like working with disabled people, so that I know there are people that wish they are in my position right now. They inspire me to live albeit minor difficulties I may encounter in life. "You are fat, gay or stupid, so what? I have no hands, but I'm still happy, and I love to live in this world." Isn't it inspiring? Thank to those people who keep motivate me.

After all, you should think that maybe you are the reason why all the doors are closed so you can open one that leads you to the perfect road. Find that window, and you will live a happy life ;)


Sunday, February 13, 2011

International Fair



Having my own very first booth representing Cambodia during the 41th International Fair at Illinois State University is such a great opportunity. It was an exhausting day for me since I am the only one in my university; therefore, I have to decorate everything and explain about Cambodia to many other people alone. However, for my own and my country’s sake, I have put all my effort into attracting people to see the wonderful and rich culture of Cambodia. Honestly, I had always felt so bad to be the only Cambodian. I had always been jealous of those countries that have so many people. However, International Fair taught me one important lesson. Since so many people were interested in Cambodia, I was wondering. What if I were not here? How can these people know about Cambodia? What is the advantage of going to places where people already know a lot about Cambodia? After all, I think the effort I have been put is paid off well, and people really appreciated all new things they have learnt from me today.

Thursday, February 10, 2011

Korean Look


Today's topic I want to talk about is Korean Look. Probably, you have noticed that most Cambodian people would say "You look like Korean" whenever they see people that look good. I, myself, was told that too :"> EPIC!

However, we all know actually not many normal people in Korea do not have that extraordinary look too. Only those who are on TV and some ordinary people that have the look we are talking about. Plus, Cambodian stars and many other ordinary people also look appealing. Therefore, why do we need to give value to other people?

Stop please. Just say you look good because you are Khmer, not you look good because you look like Korean. That's ough.....

By the way, I'm not being sarcastic to Korean! I love Korea too :-*

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

LOL

Actually, I have been so annoyed when people keep using the words like "Lol, LMAO, ROFL" whenever they end the sentence. For example, they said "I'm just bored, so I come online lol." Okay! Yes, you are bored. But why you need LOL at the end? I mean that doesn't make sense. I'm just bored, so I come online laugh out loud. It sounds to me like they are psycho. Also, some people told me like "Mesa you are so cute lol." Okay thank for your compliment, but why laugh out loud? :( Sorry I just don't get it sometimes.
So guys next time beware of using those words. Put "lol" only when it is really funny to you.
I know you will say I'm bitchy, but who care? LOL :P

This is simple but addicting!
All you have to do is to click the image then focus your awesome eyes on +, and you will realize something will happen

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Looking old


Last week, I got a photo comment from my sister.

She said: "You look so old"

lolz to tell you the truth, I was depressed the whole day from that one single sentence.
I usually stay up late doing those crappy homework without having enough sleep not to mention having to wake up early morning to swimming class!
With all those efforts, what I get is not losing weight but getting old T^T
Oh man!!! Gimme a break. America made me look old, and I hate you a bit for that reason :">

Okay by the way, that pic ain't bad, isn't it? My other friends were like "Be-yotch! I know you photoshopped it! I know your skin is not that smooth before." Well I have to admit America also made my skin looks better so it is fifty fifty haha
And notice the cute doll I hold? Not only does it look cute, but it also can play music. I know you think it is a Cool stuff . lolz but wait :( I spent 15 bucks for that.... Sob.... if somebody happen to buy this little cutie honey tiny shit [lolz i'm kidding mimi (her name) you ain't shit lolz], I would totally spend my entire life with them, and wait next time I will introduce you guys all my dolls, most of which I bought myself :'(

Photoshoot


It was snow day, and we cannot go anywhere because of the damn big piles of snow outside! Instead of going out, we took advantage of the snow and took photos.
My friends were like "Mesa!! Where the heck do you get this frangipani from?" Lolz... Then I was like.. Well.... I got one when I went to Hawai :P
The truth is I have no money to flight to Hawai dude haha! My friend in Massachusette gave me when I went to Massachusette, and isn't it kinda cold to have a flower from Cambodia blossoming in the snow? ;)

One true conversation today

A guy was sitting on the table of dinning center. Then I told my friend.
Me: OMG! Look at that guy... He is an asshole
My friend: Ohhh... Kayy.... but which one u refer to? You know? you have to be specific when you are in this school.
Me: (Speechless) lolz and I was laughing cos I understand what she infered

Missing Home

I thought I got used to the feeling of waking up without family and friends around after staying in America for 6 months. Actually, I'm still missing them. This morning, I dreamt of my mother making me breakfast while I'm playing with my little nephew. Then I am ready to go to RUPP. The alarm rang, and I woke up. I'm still here in the bed of Manchester Hall. I woke up crying feeling so helpless and tired. I'm tired of tons of homework. I'm tired of those hundreds of books I have to read each day. I have to admit that what I am studying right now is ways beyond my ability :(

I hope 12 weeks run faster so that I can go back home :) I was asked maybe a million times if I wanted to stay here. NO! I love Cambodia, place where I meet family and friends who share the same idea to me, and I can't wait to go back home :D
ខ្ញុំនឹកខ្មែរ