Saturday, April 2, 2011

Fear of Home

April had always been the best month for me. Back at the day, I would just chilling out waiting for the break, Cambodian New Year and also my birthday. However, for some reasons, so many things keep jumbling in my head making me in the middle of happy-worried emotion about this April. Everything has changed just because of where I am now.
The good thing is that I'm going back home real soon.... YAY!!!! The place I was born and raised, the place where I met many great people and especially the place that shapes me as I am today.
I cannot tell how many times I have been crying and complaining hoping this time to come as fast as an eye blinking. Nevertheless, when it comes, I feel so reluctant. Guess the words "The grass is always greener on the other side" is true. People never appreciate with what they have until they lose, and I am one of them too.
So what makes me so cringe just to go back to my country? Well to be honest, I was scared whenever I recall the memory of how the way my society treated me back when I was in Cambodia. However, it is not the society's problem but my very own problem. Those fear emerged as I started to compare the way I live between this two countries, and my other fear can be the result of "Reverse Culture Shock," because America has changed me so much that I'm afraid I won't be ready for my old society.
So I am writing this blog in the hope of giving especially to my friends back home of how your friend here have changed. Going back to Cambodia would be my weakest emotional moment, so I hope my close folks can take sometimes reading this, so that they can understand me more. So I am trying to figure out what I am afraid of and how I have changed through my own observation.
The first and the most important thing I am super fearful of my society is the over judgmentalism of Cambodian people. The nightmare of people making fun of my gesture, laughing at my so-called girly voice and even worst called me "sissy" keeps popping out of my mind whenever I think about home. The way of their gossiping and contemning just keep haunting me wherever I go. Because of that, I became a shy and reserved person simply because I do not know how many people hate me just because of the way I am. A little bias to the US but this is the only place I can be myself and embrace my personality. Nothing is happier when you can be yourself and not acting to escape from being bullied. It has been almost a year that I have never been bullied, so I really have no idea how I would handle it when I go back.
Well enough of the society! I have to accept it anyway. Guess I need to work on receiving those hated speech once again ;) Not a big deal!

To all my BEST friends at home! I cannot tell how awesome I feel to get to meet each and everyone of you again. Nevertheless, guess what? You guys are on my top list of giving me fear. Again! Not your problem, but because I somehow change. Going back to school, I might keep mentioning America every single day. Please bare with me because I am just too excited to share and always assume that you want to know too forgetting to control myself.
One thing I am begging. Please do not call me "fat" or "pig" yet. I have no idea where I got that sensitivity from, but I have been treated as a small size for quite a long time now, so I am not sure if I can handle that fact yet. I don't mind random people call me like that because I wouldn't give them a shit (or many). However, you all are my best friends, so I hope you won't act the way random people would. You can call me like that later since I know I am really fat, and it is bad to forbid you to say the truth.
In here, I was taught to be confident and independent in what I am doing simply because I have to do so many things by myself. You might interpret that confidence of mine into arrogant. I hope one day you won't come up with words "He says as if he knows all." I never ever want to act like that, and it would be so painful if I happen to hear such things. Sometimes, I may tell you what to do based on my experience in America. Please forgive me if anything I say sound bossy to you. Do not hate me. I would really happy to hear from a friend criticizing that I am acting too bossy rather than you secretly hate me.
There are times when I need my privacy and individuality. I just want to be alone sometimes doing my things, so do not force me to do what I don't want.
Whenever I chat with my friends in DMC about my study when I go back, they keep saying not to worry since I am smart. Just so you know that I might not be as smart as I used to be. I just wish you guys can take sometimes teaching me and please don't make me feel like I am useless.
On the other hand, I might not put that much effort into studying anymore. I just hope I won't be told that I am spoiled because I don't study hard anymore. Nothing is wrong; it is just because I want to give myself sometimes to relax. I want to do so many things that I still have time to do and besides just studying such as taking photos and learning music. Please do not say that I don't care about my future anymore. I just don't want to be regret about something I should have done when I am still young, and that's what I also learn from American kids.
Another important thing is that I really want to hug you all when I see you. I hope you won't say I am promiscuous or perverted. I just feel it is a great way to see my beloved people.
Last and very least little thing I am a little concerned! I hope my close friends there like the gift I bought for them. I'm so scared that they might say it is worthless.

Alright! This journey is so long, and I am on my way back home in a few weeks! I hope all my beloved people can understand me and accept me for who I am.

Your old friend, Mesa! :)