Tuesday, June 7, 2011

Just need someplace to shout out :)

Never in my life have I thought of being in a relationship with anyone. Perhaps, for those who know me would exactly know why I do not deserve the relationship a normal person would have. I no longer feel bad about myself for not being able to experience what we call “Romance.”

I do not want to get caught up in romantic relationship since I do not believe that the kind of romance I wish to have does exist. Nevertheless, even if it does exist, I am still not gutsy enough to maintain it. In other words, either that kind of love exists or not, I won’t have a good result. During my 21 years of living, I have been approached by some people, a few of whom I really did like. However, I was destined to be single because of who I am and the pressure I have from family and society. That’s why I always tell myself never want to try that so-called romance, and yes I have been able to control it.

Now I feel like I somehow hate myself. I hate that I cannot control my emotion. I hate that I finally like a person I should not.

I gradually like that person. I like listening to that person’s story. Whenever I am with that one, I change myself into a whole complete new different person. I lost my cheerful and bubbly personality. Probably, I was too self-cautious on how I might appear in front of that one. I appear to be too emotional like a drama queen and like to think a lot and alone when I’m with or without that person.

So now I determine to follow one resolution: “Just be me. No reason to fake be-yotch! That person wants to see the funny side of you, not the dramatic side!“ and that person often said “Just be yourself and happy for whatever you do” and yeah now I’m trying to learn from you :P That’s the best I can do to cherish our time together J

I know that person treat me like best friend but I can’t help thinking that that person may like me too. Anyway, I love how we both interact now. I love how I am trusted to share all the happy and sad moment with that person. At least I know that person trusts me a lot and tell me so many things that person doesn’t share many people. I am happy to stay at that person’s back comforting whenever I am needed. I don’t wish to be the special person. If that person knows how I feel, that one will just freak out and what result can I get? I have tried so hard to come to this point, and we will just become “stranger again.” Cannot be even just friends L

I know it can be boring but I just want somewhere to express my feeling; otherwise, I would just explode :D


Peace world (^,^)v

Monday, June 6, 2011

Tomorrow English test :)

It is kinda weird but tomorrow I am going to do that odd English Proficiency test for my internship @_@ It somehow freaks me out! I remember sending them my TOEFL score :-| What can be more legit than TOEFL to the US? Well, I have to find out tomorrow.

Anyway, I really need that internship. For one thing, I would hate myself so bad if I fail since I have both experience and qualification. Therefore, if I fail, it means there is something wrong with my personality, which I have never trusted on. It will also lower my self-esteem to another degree. Plus, if I fail, I would have to work my ass off to find another place simply because I cannot get my degree without internship. It is all part of school's requirement.
I had better wish tomorrow is my good day :) so yeah just smile in the morning and good night world :D

I'm back :)

Long time no see folks! Some people have asked me why I had been so quiet in blogging since I came back from USA?
Well, actually I have been so busy with the whole hanging out, clubbing, partying and travelling thing that I have no mood to write anymore.
Just kidding! Lol!! Honestly speaking, I have been so depressed not being able to update the blog. However, I'm using Metfone to use the Internet. That freaking company is annoying. I have no idea why on earth it has to block blogspot.
So many things have happened when I return: the birth, death, drama, happiness, tear and many other things I wish I had shared. Let's them go and now I can start updating what I am doing with my life.
It has come to my attention that it feels so hard not having this blog since to me, this is the best place to be when I feel lonely and want to find somewhere to throw my emotion to. That explains why I named it "Mesa's Diary"
Alright enough for the re-introduction. Will talk to you later :)