I have spent so many night hesitating and wondering if I should write this letter to you, but tonight, I tried my best to bring all my guts writing this letter. I hope you’ll consider reading.
It’s been like almost 300 days spent growing my fonder of you. Or 7,200 hours I have spent complaining about how you look and how you should think or do and how you repel most of my ideas and how you pull my hands and hair and t-shirt or just anything that would interest you with or without my consent, and you surely know it is something I would not let any others do the same way.
Within those 25,920,000 seconds, 25 per cent was for those moments you took my breath away, like those times when you looked terribly cute in your button-down outfitters. And that instant when you were worried about your look without knowing how perfect you look. Or that lingering scent that totally disarms me the moment you grab me in your hand even though you never mean the romance.
“All this time, I loved you in silence”
For “in silence”, I believe there’s no harm. There’s no questioning or doubt. I don’t have to explain to everyone why I’m crazy over you. No one to tell me what to do about you, me or us. No one to judge my feelings. I just let myself drown in your existence, and honestly, it is where I am happiest and saddest.
There are times when loving you gives me deep pain too. I always have to put on a brave face whenever I feel like crying. You know, sometimes I feel frustrated whenever I cannot fight for you, that I cannot do anything to act upon things when you lack judgment. I can only be jealous to myself even though it kills the hell out of me all the time.
Nevertheless, I’m happy that you are still in my life, that you still linger on the walls of my vulnerable heart, that you still hold something out of the nothingness that I always feel, that you still console or apologize me when I’m mad even you know you're not wrong, that you still talk to me like good old times and bad old times, that you still chat with me when I/you feel depressed or happy, that you still tease me despite I tease you more back, that you still laugh at my silly jokes and you still show me how happy you are when we meet. I’m happy that you are still in my life. Even if it means being only friends with each other, even if it means being only the person you talk to when the night comes, when the stars turn to cover the sky, when the day comes, when the sun rays peek through the blinds that cover the walls of my imaginations of you and me, finally being together and yet that being impossible. I love you. And I hope that, despite my feelings for you and you not returning them mutually and romantically, let’s embark on a journey that will forever draw the lines and words of our lives on the papers of my thick diary and write sad and happy and melancholic poems and stories of you on the back of my notebooks when I don’t know what to do with the words overflowing to my lips, words I wanted so bad to tell you, words I wanted so bad for you to say back. I love you. Friends or what, I will always and will constantly love you. And I’m happy that you are still in my life. Again, I chose to love you this way, so please let me.
I love you into infinity and beyond.