Boring Holidays

It is Pchum Ben, and I am supposed to travel around with family going to pagoda. As a matter of fact, it has been years that I do not go to pagoda or just go once in a year. It is not that I have become an atheist, yet I just have tons of work to finish and somehow I do not feel comfortable going to pagoda. Whenever I am there, people just look at me as if I were alien or something. That scenario is not something I would want to. I will be going to pagoda in town tomorrow anyway :) Hope it will be a rewarding day and hope all of you have a great long holiday before starting class slash work again.

Bad Romance

Suddenly I have got a random thought and questions running all over my vain. Just wanna share with you all a little something about emo romance stuff. So have you ever been in love? Painful isn’t it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens up your chest and then your heart, and it means that someone can get inside you and mess up everything. You build up all these defenses so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid people, wanders into your stupid life. You give him a piece of you even he didn’t ask for it. He did something dumb one day, like kiss you, smile at you or talk to you like he never talk to anyone else, and then your life isn’t your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like “maybe we should be just friends or you are not my type” turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts so bad. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It is a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. 

Greeting

Some of my friends keep asking me why I have not updated anything on the blog for so long. I don’t know why but I don’t know where my inspiration in writing has been. Life is busy, and I cannot find proper time to sit and think of something to complain :P haha just kidding!!!
Okay so this is what I did during the past week. It is all about going to provinces.
This week I have been to two provinces. I have got more things I can talk about for the first province. As a staff of UNDP, I was assigned to go to Kompong Speu province to facilitate a participant of UNDP Writing Competition in gathering stories and also to observe the work plan of UNDP project in Chambok. I am not a big fan of going to province honestly. I firstly agreed because I though Kompong Speu is the nearest province amongst all the choices I have. Nothing turned out as I expected. The first day I had to bike and walk to climb the mountain, and my body, especially my butt, was so painful. At night, we slept in villager’s house. I could not sleep the whole night just because of the sound of rain falling and the creepy feeling I got (Attention: There is no electricity in the village). I keep seeing people sitting next to my leg, and I meant it. In the morning, we woke up at 5 something in the morning to follow the villager to the forest where they go to pick up bamboo. FML!! I did not know we had to go in that freaking forest. I was so scared imagining what I possibly see in the forest, and yes the reality was much more frightening. The road was slippery as it was raining. The tall grass, thick forest, insect, reptile, parasite and stuff kept touching me, and I swear I just want to pass out. Suddenly, I remember pajamas in my bag with long pants, so I took it out and wear on my short. To feel more comfortable, I put on the rain coat for the sake that I would be less exposed to all those disgusting stuff. The picture is funny but yeah you can get some idea after all.

Seeing from all the complaints, you can easily tell that I’m not an adventurous person. Experience is all great but if I have choices, NO MORE.
The next province I went to was Kompot, which is part of my work for State Alumni. Well nothing much to talk about. Things went smoothly despite the rain.
So yeah that’s all I want to update!! Peace……

Treat people the way you want to be treated

This sentence somehow rarely works out for me. Every time I try to be good to people, bad interpretation will always turn out. No matter how nice I try to be, some people still ignore me and take me for granted. I feel so retarded, deceived, and rather disappointed.

I’m so done with you. All this time I was wasting, hoping you would come around. I’ve been giving out chances every time, and all you do is let me down. Tsk tsk…….

Little Something that Change Me

This is the mini media memoir I did in the camp with topic "Media that change you." Enjoy reading :)

“Personality,” a simple but inspiring word, has changed my life. I remember I first heard that word in one American reality show “America’s Next Top Model” when I was in my freshman year. The show has taught me how valuable a person’s personality is.

Nevertheless, personality is not something you would find in Cambodian context due to the pressure from old people and culture which has forced all the young people being cookie-cutters, which excludes the unique from the society. I, myself, was a victim of bullying due to my so-called “sissy” personality. Therefore, I was determined that one day I have to go to America where I can be myself.

From that time, I was trying to figure out all the possible scholarships available for Cambodian people, and finally I managed to find one which was Global Undergraduate Exchange Program. In the program, three criteria would be evaluated including social engagement, professional experience and leadership. I was not that type of person who would go to volunteer and help random poor people. However, because of the requirement, I had to force myself to volunteer for different NGOs in Cambodia. This had changed my life. Going to the field, teaching young children and doing fund raising for poor people, I can feel that albeit being young, I can be a hero for some people, and seeing how thankful they were, I was so proud that I told myself even if I could not go to America, community service would always be in my agenda.

Finally, I was really selected by the US Embassy to go to America, which is my dream for so long, and, I was able to embrace my personality when I was there. However, my life as a volunteer did not end there. After coming back, I have guts to lead some community service projects myself. What is most rewarding about my work is that once people see how committed I am to the society, they start to accept me for who I am more, and the bullying just faded away itself. I am contented to say that my hard work did pay off.

A little painful thing in my heart

First kiss? What does it mean to you?

The decision to kiss for the first time is the most crucial in life. The person who can make you let loose of yourself must be extremely special.

I have always thought that first kiss needs to be given by the one I know and love most in my life. However, I decided to give to you whom I have known only for just two weeks.

Do I regret? 100% No! I am satisfied with all the physically feeling and motion you gave me, and I am proud of myself that only this time I express how I really feel about a person.

The feeling of being hugged and kissed by you is just here in my memory forever. It is like a tattoo that stick on my lips for my entire life.

Now everything about you is only in memory and whenever I think of it many feeling combines: love, lonely, excited, sorrow and miss. I miss playing, chatting, teasing you in class, looking at you when you are sad or sick, making myself silly so that you can laugh and showing how smart I am to make you interested in me.

If you've already experienced your very first kiss, you know that there is nothing like it - no matter if the experience was positive, negative or something in between. So remember no matter how far we are or how long we cannot meet, you still have a space here in my heart.

I am so happy to see the meaning of what you have done to me although I am not sure if that really what you mean when you did that.

First Time Things :)

Okay so basically I am going to list top 3 things which I am able to do for the first time of my life when I am in Chiang Mai.
1. I have never known how debate works. All I know is that debating is arguing to win. You can scream loud with some good points then you can win. However, from the camp, I have an opportunity to really understand how all those things work and have load of chance to debate. From that, I have boosted my confident, and my speech has improved significantly. Specially, the result I received was fruitful since my group won the championship.
2. It was the first time that I dance in front of public that hard. I became so open and willing to dance with everyone. I used to be that person who cannot be touched physically. However, in the dance, I was so comfortable that I could dance a bit wilder with everyone.
3. The last but most exciting thing I did was kissing @_@ I know for some of you, it might sound so promiscuous. However, I just feel like I am adult now, and I should somehow experience this thing at some point. It was an awkward moment, and I did not do anything. So yeah I was so passive. Experience is what counted and I am not regret of doing it!
The image of that moment keeps popping up in my head till now. Nothing is strange since first time thing will be the most memorable thing ever.
You all might think I change, but I feel like life is somehow boring if I cannot do all those things most adult can do.

One Thing I want to Complain

So I have been so freaking irritated by the whole idea of how those so-called “cool” guys being an extreme homophobia and always assuming promiscuity of each and every “queer” they meet.
Perhaps, those who know me will know why I disgust talking to boys. I just hate how judgmental they are toward a “sissy” people like me. Some days I will have to do something with those guys probably using media.
First of all, I really hate talking to guys I do not know. Whenever I talk to them first, they would think I am interested in them blah blah blah. Yet, when I do not talk to them, they would say “Ter Ja Rek Srey Sa Art” which literally mean “Act like a beautiful girl.” Come on…. Can you guys just cut it off? Don’t you know how hard it is to always try to please all of your opinions toward me every single time?
Nevertheless, I would not give too much sh*t toward the first type. What pisses me off the most is the second type. Those are guys either I just know or I have known for quite sometimes. It is very annoying when I start to get close to a guy and everyone around just keep saying we are in love. In this life, probably I won’t make even a single good boy friend (and I mean male friend FYI). Every time we get closer, often time, we are jeered of being in “relationship.” Finally, we would end up talking less or even stop talking to each other to avoid misassumption of those people.
Last but most importantly, it is so painful when someone I am so close with feel like I am trying to court him. Oh god puh lez…. I am so tired. Guys I am so tired of you all. I’m nice to everyone I want to be friend with, and please stop feeling I am trying to make you special.
Okay to all you "awesome" guys out there, here is something I want to shout out to you.
1. “Don’t judge book by its cover.” It is as simple as that, so use your brain. Your stereotype is annoying and ruining people’s joy of life. Give others a break and stop thinking every gay out there is so desperate to get you.
2. When your good “gay” friends are nice to you, it does not mean they are falling for you. They just need a good friend, a damn friend, so stop being so ego about yourself.
3. Go f*ck yourself if you still feel too proud of yourself, and the picture below is for you ;)
"PRIDE" can you understand that word? Everyone has his or her own pride, and please don't feel like you are higher than others.
Hope you learn something from that. Phew………………..